out of focus
I've once again been thinking a lot over the past few weeks. That naturally flows into me writing a blog about it. Thinking never seems to be a good thing for me. It always gets me all weird and quiet and contemplative about what exactly is going on with me and in my life. My life has been a confusing mess of wires and stress for a while. Like a camera that is slightly out of focus, things have been hazy, and distorted. They are getting back to normal. Normalcy is painful sometimes.
-obligatory schedule insert here
M/W/F French at 9am. Chapel at 11am. Stats at 11:45am. 20th Century World History at 3pm. Monday- Doctrine II from 7pm-10pm.
T/TR Work from 8-Noon, an hour break for lunch, work again from 1pm-4:30pm.
I don't have a terrible schedule this semester. I love the odd breaks in schedule I have. This is the first semester I can sleep in until 8am on MWF. It's so strange not to have to be anywhere at 8am every day of the week. I really like it.
anyways. back to my original thought before i get sidetracked again. my life has been super stressful and confusing ever since I arrived back on campus. hell, ever since i left campus last semester there has been nothing but stress and confusion. class conflicts. literally missing my adviser by mere minutes every time i would visit his office for the first two weeks of school. wondering if i add or drop classes. it seemed that there would be no end in sight to these waves of stress. in the midst of all of this craziness i did not have the opportunity to do much else other then run back and forth between financial aid, my advisers office, and the great hall to scarf down some food before repeating the mad dash all over campus once more. i honestly don't know what i would have done if it had not been for the small handful of friends (by now I see them more as family then friends) that would grab me as I was walking past and ask me if I was doing alright, i would have been more then stressed out. I did this mad dash for two weeks and somehow managed to not miss any classes. i still don't know how that happened.
so, anyhow.
weekends are such a blessing. a break from the exhausting work of going to class and working, and a few extra hours to enjoy sweet rest. the fellowship with people on the weekends is a tiny glimpse of what happiness tastes like. i love those friends of mine. however, in the midst of all the joy going on around me, and even when interacting with people i get a nagging thought in the back of my head. the thought is simply "i am surrounded with all of these incredible people, but why do i still feel so alone?". I have felt this for a while, but it is getting to me now.
Why am I feeling this way? it has gotten me thinking about the call I have felt for months now. this consistent call to be single. how can i feel so alone while still being surrounded with people that i care so much about? i don't have a very good answer. my answer is that this is my lot in life for now. i don't know if this call to be single is a permanent call. it could just be temporary, or semi-long term. but, if it's not: what then? how can i be a single man that strives to be the man of God I need to be? how can I do that AND be single? do I just push this feeling of loneliness aside? for now the answer to that is...Yes. I can be used effectively for the Kingdom as a single man. Paul is a prime example.
Don't get me wrong, there is not a bit of me that is discontented when I am around these people on the weekends. i would not trade that time making pizza's or vainly attempting to get homework done for anything. those are the happiest times.
however, like my exceedingly wise RA has said quoting another RA,
"There are lonely moments every day for every one."
At least I know i'm not alone.
-obligatory schedule insert here
M/W/F French at 9am. Chapel at 11am. Stats at 11:45am. 20th Century World History at 3pm. Monday- Doctrine II from 7pm-10pm.
T/TR Work from 8-Noon, an hour break for lunch, work again from 1pm-4:30pm.
I don't have a terrible schedule this semester. I love the odd breaks in schedule I have. This is the first semester I can sleep in until 8am on MWF. It's so strange not to have to be anywhere at 8am every day of the week. I really like it.
anyways. back to my original thought before i get sidetracked again. my life has been super stressful and confusing ever since I arrived back on campus. hell, ever since i left campus last semester there has been nothing but stress and confusion. class conflicts. literally missing my adviser by mere minutes every time i would visit his office for the first two weeks of school. wondering if i add or drop classes. it seemed that there would be no end in sight to these waves of stress. in the midst of all of this craziness i did not have the opportunity to do much else other then run back and forth between financial aid, my advisers office, and the great hall to scarf down some food before repeating the mad dash all over campus once more. i honestly don't know what i would have done if it had not been for the small handful of friends (by now I see them more as family then friends) that would grab me as I was walking past and ask me if I was doing alright, i would have been more then stressed out. I did this mad dash for two weeks and somehow managed to not miss any classes. i still don't know how that happened.
so, anyhow.
weekends are such a blessing. a break from the exhausting work of going to class and working, and a few extra hours to enjoy sweet rest. the fellowship with people on the weekends is a tiny glimpse of what happiness tastes like. i love those friends of mine. however, in the midst of all the joy going on around me, and even when interacting with people i get a nagging thought in the back of my head. the thought is simply "i am surrounded with all of these incredible people, but why do i still feel so alone?". I have felt this for a while, but it is getting to me now.
Why am I feeling this way? it has gotten me thinking about the call I have felt for months now. this consistent call to be single. how can i feel so alone while still being surrounded with people that i care so much about? i don't have a very good answer. my answer is that this is my lot in life for now. i don't know if this call to be single is a permanent call. it could just be temporary, or semi-long term. but, if it's not: what then? how can i be a single man that strives to be the man of God I need to be? how can I do that AND be single? do I just push this feeling of loneliness aside? for now the answer to that is...Yes. I can be used effectively for the Kingdom as a single man. Paul is a prime example.
Don't get me wrong, there is not a bit of me that is discontented when I am around these people on the weekends. i would not trade that time making pizza's or vainly attempting to get homework done for anything. those are the happiest times.
however, like my exceedingly wise RA has said quoting another RA,
"There are lonely moments every day for every one."
At least I know i'm not alone.
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