January

January 15th, 2023
As I type this I am seated in front of a humble, yet toasty fire. This past week I've been dog-sitting.
Well, only since Wednesday. But it has been a long few days Work has been full of blurred lines and menial projects. Halfway through I've been told it's not right, or that it's already been done.
Catering orders and miscommunication.
So far; I've spent time in the kitchen, done yoga every day except for one, and avoided alcohol. 
I have turned into one of those people who does Dry January, but I also tack on February. 
I like spending the first six months of the year focusing on what's in front of me. Sometimes that looks like keeping my phone in my pocket when I'm with someone else. Sometimes that means watching myself pour a glass of water instead of wine. It helps me reflect on the previous year; what I'd like to change, what I'd like to do more of, and what really brings me fulfillment. 
It's nice to feel emotions as they come instead of having a cocktail and drowning my feelings. Although, I can't wait for March and that first Negroni. With no prosecco in it. 
Not that I drown my feelings as much these days. 
I avoid them instead. 
How about I just go to bed and let tomorrow worry about itself.
But wait, first let me do my adjectives.
In January of 2022, I started writing down three adjectives at the end of each day. It's devolved into me jotting down three descriptors, or vibes, of the day.
For example:
January 26th, 2022 Hopeful, calm, and caffeinated. 
As opposed to...
October 22nd, 2022 Dog-sitting at two places, tidying, non-work work days. 
Not quite adjectives; yet still helpful. At least it's jotting down the big parts of the day in some form or another. 
Sometimes it's 'Tight hamstrings' and sometimes it's 'Laundry' or 'Wordle in four', and sometimes it's a full-on paragraph. 
Spoiler: There have been a lot of 'Wordle in four's. 
Brain games! Yay!
Can they crack why I have this eternal yearning for validation?
Wait, no. That's because I was always seeking any sort of acceptance or validation.
As a short, closeted boi I was only told I was "too goofy", or "not boyish enough", or "cooking and baking are for girls, why don't you do boy things like football?"
Anyways, who needs brain games? Instead, I'm working on this radical acceptance of who I am. 
Not that there aren't a myriad of things I'd like to work on or grow into. But I'm trying to embrace my oddities because they make me...well, me. 

I haven't journaled as much as I'd hoped. 

Yes, it started out a bit raucous. Moving away from a mildly unhealthy living situation, having major job insecurity, and nerves so raw I could feel the pulse in them.
But, I also was driving my own car, sticking with a consistent workout routine, and seeing this guy I thought was interesting and ridiculously cute. Spoiler, we just celebrated our anniversary in December. 
Granted; there were plenty of ups and downs in 2022. A panic attack or eight, absolutely perfect nights, and my very first suit (really).
There were many days when I didn't get all or any of my errands run and days when I was OH-SO productive. I packed and unpacked my car more times than I care to admit, and felt at home in more than one place. I made a few cakes and blatantly ignored the tiredness clawing at my eyelids. I pinched my sciatic nerve and woke up for a lunar eclipse. I've felt my finances and realized that money is indeed not everything, but it's incredibly helpful.
I felt 'scratchy' and 'excited'. I 'white-knuckled through' and went to Costco. I had a long weekend at a mountain house and made a delicious chicken marinade with jalapenos and fresh dill. I've driven my own car and watched Only Murders in the Building.
I've tried to reorient my life to include time and space just to be. I've done it poorly, but it's a start. 
It's hard to carve out time when you don't have it to spare. Or, when you don't know how to relax.
And lordy, I get so much more done when I have my hands free. Speaking of which, I should continue to get things done. So I'll free up these hands to do something other than typing these words that three people will read.

January 29, 2023
I once again find myself in front of a fire, while sitting. Today was lovely, yet I was in my head for most of it. Dogsitting almost every weekend in January has been great. Fantastic pup, a great house, and a convenient commute to work? That all makes this 1/16 tank of gas last...let's say longer.
I made some scones this morning. Dark chocolate cranberry scones with toasted almonds.
They are quite good. I'm cutting out as many carbs as I can to prepare for that summer body, and yes I am aware that it is only January. Stilllll January. But I did have one fresh out of the oven. The recipe made eleven. Mainly because I cut one weird and it was a larger triangle but here I am not giving a hoot and just glorying in how I got the chance to bake. 

It is now February. 
January was tinged with frustration at many things. My body, my work life, my living situation, the economy, and how hard it's been to find eggs.
It's been just about a year since I moved to Druid Hills. It was supposed to be a month or two, and then the economy crashed, my job situation changed, and somehow I kept chugging along. 
When it rains, it pours, and parts of 2022 feel like a tsunami. But hey, we've all made it through, or at least we've learned how to swim against the current.
For me, swimming against the current often meant doing things that made me uncomfortable, or pushed me to get outside the box. The pandemic made me more of a homebody, and I've been working at getting out more. Even if that means just being outside, or in a place with other people around. I've really been craving being outside, but the cold has had other plans. Then again, I say that today's high is projected to be in the mid-60s. 
In January, I changed my work days. I had been off Sundays and then Wednesdays. Having two days off apart was destroying me. Running errands both days or trying to relax one day, then shoving all my errands into the next day off....not ideal. It caused my anxiety to shoot through the roof. Looking for a place to live, while a dog barks in the background is definitely putting a fire under my butt. But that's also difficult when I'm living paycheck to paycheck. 
Sidenote: Who said adulthood being so damn expensive is okay?
I'm composing a strongly worded letter. The letter is F. 

Since getting my days off changed to two consecutive days (PRAISE BE) I'm actually able to spend one day relaxing, and one whole day running errands (gasp!), meal prepping, or whatever the hell else I fancy doing (shock and awe). Most often that entails inspecting my plants. Is the soil right, are they happy, do I need more of them?
It's helped with anxiety. Consistency does that for me. I like consistency. I crave it. 
Days off have been all about recharging. One particular day I spent charging all of my devices. Phone, AirPods, Earphones, computer, etc.
I realized at that moment I'd had a loud January. I've constantly had music or really any noise playing in the background. Not that the quiet makes me feel nervy anymore. Well, at least not as much as it used to. 
I'll usually have a podcast playing in my ear, or music of some sort. I've felt like a sponge really wanting to absorb information. I want to know more and do more. I've become hungry for life in a way I haven't been before. At least not in years. 
Getting to explore another year isn't just exciting, it's riveting. Who knows what 2023 will hold, but it will surely be full of as much adventure as I can pack in, and hard hard work.
Turns out that some things never change.