Hit by a wave of thankfulness
Note: This post has taken me a few weeks to complete. My apologies if it seems disconnected and scatterbrained. This has been my life the past few months. Disconnected and scatterbrained.
I could see the stars last night. It was a very rare occurrence seeing as how bright the city lights are in this place. The night sky is one of my favorite things. Unobstructed by other lights and distractions. The stars in all their glory, shining through the darkness. There is something profound about it.
I could see the stars last night. It was a very rare occurrence seeing as how bright the city lights are in this place. The night sky is one of my favorite things. Unobstructed by other lights and distractions. The stars in all their glory, shining through the darkness. There is something profound about it.
We all go through hard seasons, this I know very well to be true. I am trying not to jinx it, but it feels as if I am coming out of one of the hardest seasons I have ever been through. From uprooting myself completely, to drifting from one job to another, then finally settling on two that have been more exhausting than I thought possible, yet simultaneously rewarding...It's been strange.
I went grocery shopping with Gabs last night. She was kind enough to invite me to go along with her, seeing as I still don't have a car. As we arrived at home, arms full of groceries (they will, I'm sure, last me longer than anticipated.
(Side note: simply refrain from grocery shopping when hungry. No one really needs a box of oreos. Let alone two. All those preservatives and sugar really don't help anyone.) I remarked on how I'm running out of room in the pantry on my shelf. We chuckled, then she remarked, "What a change from when you first moved here, right?. Now you have more than peanut butter, and black beans, haha!".
How true she was. When I moved to Atlanta, I had nothing. Not even a few extra dollars to my name to buy food. Looking back now, I see how truly good our Protector is. He provides, even when providing might mean a lesson in trust. Patience is key. I want patience now! Lord, give me patience, please. Don't be surprised if you have to wait for the virtue. It's sort of exactly how you learn it. Good things come to those who wait.
I went grocery shopping with Gabs last night. She was kind enough to invite me to go along with her, seeing as I still don't have a car. As we arrived at home, arms full of groceries (they will, I'm sure, last me longer than anticipated.
(Side note: simply refrain from grocery shopping when hungry. No one really needs a box of oreos. Let alone two. All those preservatives and sugar really don't help anyone.) I remarked on how I'm running out of room in the pantry on my shelf. We chuckled, then she remarked, "What a change from when you first moved here, right?. Now you have more than peanut butter, and black beans, haha!".
How true she was. When I moved to Atlanta, I had nothing. Not even a few extra dollars to my name to buy food. Looking back now, I see how truly good our Protector is. He provides, even when providing might mean a lesson in trust. Patience is key. I want patience now! Lord, give me patience, please. Don't be surprised if you have to wait for the virtue. It's sort of exactly how you learn it. Good things come to those who wait.
I saw, a week or two ago, on my timehop from a few years ago; a status I posted on Facebook. I remember the exact moment when I posted the status. I was an emotional wreck because of a few factors that I don't need to go into at this time. One of which was a broken heart. I had arrived home from a tiring double-shift at Taco Mamacita to find that I had forgotten to clean my room, it was in total disarray. I took to Facebook to attempt to sound poetic and philosophical and sophisticated, obviously. The phrase that kept repeating itself in my mind was "You're such a mess". I said this aloud to my room, and to my life in general. At that moment I felt like I was also saying it to myself. It rings true, even today. If my room is a mess, does that mean I am, too? It doesn't have to.
Someone said to me last week, "Tyler! I haven't seen you in a while, how are you?"
I replied, "Busy, as usual. How are you?"
"That's not how you are, dear. How are you?"
That got me to really thinking. How am I? To be completely honest, I had no idea. I have been working such long days and hours, I hadn't even had an hour to myself where I had not been at work, or asleep.
Sleep is hard to come by. My bed really isn't conducive to sleeping. It's a twin bed. The same I have had since college. I have, plainly, outgrown it. My feet hang off the edge, and I can't spread out my arms for more than a foot on either side of my body. When I return from work, I lay - completely exhausted and knowing fully well I am going to do it all over again tomorrow - and try to feebly lay hold of a few hours of rest. Rest that seldom comes to my rescue because I don't have room for it. Whether or not that is room in my bed, or room in my life I am never quite sure. I also have insomnia. The worst part of insomnia is that no matter how tired one gets, the insomniac can simply not allow the sweet embrace is sleep to envelop them. I remember back in Chattanooga, being so exhausted I fell asleep at work while sweeping the floor at work. I was literally asleep on my feet.
We won't go into those times I slept-walked or that time I slept-drove to Wal-Mart at 4am.
This theme is recurring everywhere in my life. Being asleep on my feet. Being completely unaware to the things that are going on around me, but also being in the midst of it all. Being just a warm body that is physically present, but emotionally and mentally absent in the situation. I am always looking to the next thing. Worrying about being late to work because I got tied up at my other job, or being frustrated at myself for hitting snooze five times again this morning, and not having time to have breakfast.
Providentially, the past two Sundays, both of the sermons have been about presence. Actually being where you are in any particular moment. Not being distracted by my phone, or the next thing. This week, the sermon point that struck me the hardest was when the pastor said, "Why is now not enough?". This hit my like a semi. I've been so focused on the next thing, or the thing that happened this morning that I've been completely ignoring this moment. The present. The split second that is now. One other thing that has stuck with me is when the pastor said that the holiest moment of our entire lives is right now. This exact moment. And if you can't see the holiness of God in your everyday mundane life of waking up, taking a shower, frying eggs for breakfast, or making toast, some things need to be reevaluated. Our God is the God of now. He is the God of everything that has been, everything that is(that's right now, guys), and everything that will be. He's sovereign. He knows that the toast is burning because you forgot about it in the midst of the eggs and coffee and not wanting to burn either of those. He knows about the share plates I forgot at table 5 because I was busy getting waters for the two-top and the six-top I just got double-sat with. He knows, and He's in control of it. How crazy is it that He guides our every step. He knows when the floor is wet in the kitchen because I just mopped and forgot to tell Tracy that she needs to watch her step. He is in every step we take. He's in every breath we take. He's in every beat of my heart that keeps the blood pounding in my ears when I'm in the weeds, and the host keeps double- and triple-seating me.
He is good. He is in control.
I, ironically, posted a status a bit ago due to a few complaints on how I wasn't responding to texts or phone calls. The truth was that I didn't even have time to look at my phone for more than two minutes between shifts. "I'm a busy guy!" I would say. There is a fine line between being busy, and too busy. Being too busy has it's costs, my friends. And actually seeing the damage that working so much has done on my body?...It's a hard thing to come to terms with. What do you mean I can't run because I have a bum knee, and an ankle that wasn't ever able to fully heal from that sprain? Don't be ridiculous, I don't have time for therapy! I'll just put an ankle brace on and I'll be fine. Now stop distracting me, I have to finish prepping these hundred pounds of apples that we just received. I'll worry about my ankle later. When I have time.
Right?! This sounds like a crazy person.
Last week I had a night when I saw the stars. It was late, and I was awake for no other reason than insomnia. I had tried to sleep, but it was just out of my reach. Nights like those I feel like a dog that is trying to bite the air rushing by while its head is out of the car window. I just can't quite get it. Anyways, I saw the stars. I was exhausted and it was two in the morning. I had to be up the next morning at eight again. All of a sudden, I was hit with this wave of thankfulness. After all the trials and struggles this year has brought me, I felt safe. I was warm. I have a roof over my head. I have not just one, but three jobs. I have friends that are more of a family. I've got a loving and caring heavenly Father that cares for me even when I think I'm too busy.
It turns out, I'm very well. So, if you asked me; Tyler, how are you, really?
I'll reply with a smile, and most likely a big hug; I'm doing so well. Life is crazy, I'm absurdly busy and trying to make sure I have some time each day to remember how God is not only the God of this moment, but the God of every moment. I'm trying to make sure I'm not overworking myself, but trying to give my best in every aspect of life, and actually being present where I am. So, put away your phone and be. Just be where you are.
Someone said to me last week, "Tyler! I haven't seen you in a while, how are you?"
I replied, "Busy, as usual. How are you?"
"That's not how you are, dear. How are you?"
That got me to really thinking. How am I? To be completely honest, I had no idea. I have been working such long days and hours, I hadn't even had an hour to myself where I had not been at work, or asleep.
Sleep is hard to come by. My bed really isn't conducive to sleeping. It's a twin bed. The same I have had since college. I have, plainly, outgrown it. My feet hang off the edge, and I can't spread out my arms for more than a foot on either side of my body. When I return from work, I lay - completely exhausted and knowing fully well I am going to do it all over again tomorrow - and try to feebly lay hold of a few hours of rest. Rest that seldom comes to my rescue because I don't have room for it. Whether or not that is room in my bed, or room in my life I am never quite sure. I also have insomnia. The worst part of insomnia is that no matter how tired one gets, the insomniac can simply not allow the sweet embrace is sleep to envelop them. I remember back in Chattanooga, being so exhausted I fell asleep at work while sweeping the floor at work. I was literally asleep on my feet.
We won't go into those times I slept-walked or that time I slept-drove to Wal-Mart at 4am.
This theme is recurring everywhere in my life. Being asleep on my feet. Being completely unaware to the things that are going on around me, but also being in the midst of it all. Being just a warm body that is physically present, but emotionally and mentally absent in the situation. I am always looking to the next thing. Worrying about being late to work because I got tied up at my other job, or being frustrated at myself for hitting snooze five times again this morning, and not having time to have breakfast.
Providentially, the past two Sundays, both of the sermons have been about presence. Actually being where you are in any particular moment. Not being distracted by my phone, or the next thing. This week, the sermon point that struck me the hardest was when the pastor said, "Why is now not enough?". This hit my like a semi. I've been so focused on the next thing, or the thing that happened this morning that I've been completely ignoring this moment. The present. The split second that is now. One other thing that has stuck with me is when the pastor said that the holiest moment of our entire lives is right now. This exact moment. And if you can't see the holiness of God in your everyday mundane life of waking up, taking a shower, frying eggs for breakfast, or making toast, some things need to be reevaluated. Our God is the God of now. He is the God of everything that has been, everything that is(that's right now, guys), and everything that will be. He's sovereign. He knows that the toast is burning because you forgot about it in the midst of the eggs and coffee and not wanting to burn either of those. He knows about the share plates I forgot at table 5 because I was busy getting waters for the two-top and the six-top I just got double-sat with. He knows, and He's in control of it. How crazy is it that He guides our every step. He knows when the floor is wet in the kitchen because I just mopped and forgot to tell Tracy that she needs to watch her step. He is in every step we take. He's in every breath we take. He's in every beat of my heart that keeps the blood pounding in my ears when I'm in the weeds, and the host keeps double- and triple-seating me.
He is good. He is in control.
I, ironically, posted a status a bit ago due to a few complaints on how I wasn't responding to texts or phone calls. The truth was that I didn't even have time to look at my phone for more than two minutes between shifts. "I'm a busy guy!" I would say. There is a fine line between being busy, and too busy. Being too busy has it's costs, my friends. And actually seeing the damage that working so much has done on my body?...It's a hard thing to come to terms with. What do you mean I can't run because I have a bum knee, and an ankle that wasn't ever able to fully heal from that sprain? Don't be ridiculous, I don't have time for therapy! I'll just put an ankle brace on and I'll be fine. Now stop distracting me, I have to finish prepping these hundred pounds of apples that we just received. I'll worry about my ankle later. When I have time.
Right?! This sounds like a crazy person.
Last week I had a night when I saw the stars. It was late, and I was awake for no other reason than insomnia. I had tried to sleep, but it was just out of my reach. Nights like those I feel like a dog that is trying to bite the air rushing by while its head is out of the car window. I just can't quite get it. Anyways, I saw the stars. I was exhausted and it was two in the morning. I had to be up the next morning at eight again. All of a sudden, I was hit with this wave of thankfulness. After all the trials and struggles this year has brought me, I felt safe. I was warm. I have a roof over my head. I have not just one, but three jobs. I have friends that are more of a family. I've got a loving and caring heavenly Father that cares for me even when I think I'm too busy.
It turns out, I'm very well. So, if you asked me; Tyler, how are you, really?
I'll reply with a smile, and most likely a big hug; I'm doing so well. Life is crazy, I'm absurdly busy and trying to make sure I have some time each day to remember how God is not only the God of this moment, but the God of every moment. I'm trying to make sure I'm not overworking myself, but trying to give my best in every aspect of life, and actually being present where I am. So, put away your phone and be. Just be where you are.
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