Ruffled sheets and hair
It's been a whirlwind of change the past few weeks.
And i'm well aware of how much I dislike change, and i'm sure by this time you - my dear reader - are as well.
(not that anyone actually reads this blog of mine)
It all started when, a bit more than a month ago, I shockingly had a free night. So I decided to catch up with my dear old bro. I don't see him or his perfectly wonderful, beautiful wife nearly enough. Case-in-point I haven't seen them since their wedding, which was in the summer of 2013. So, we caught each other up on our lives and joked as brothers do.
Wait, wait, let me back up some more.
Okay, so a good month and a half or two months ago, I was sick. Sick as a dog. Couldn't breathe out of my nose. Couldn't go to work. Basically depressed about being sick...because I was sick. So, it was this terrible cycle where i was sick because i was so tired, but i couldn't rest because i was sick. It was awful.
Anyway
My brother was gone from home for the weekend due to Air Force business (Sidenote: I am SO proud of my brother.) so, his lovely wife was alone for the weekend. I know Erin. I know she doesn't enjoy being alone.
And, on a random note, all my housemates were gone for the weekend. Objectively, were sort of in the same position. So I gave her a call only intending to catch up, laugh and tell her I loved and missed them so much, make plans for seeing each other at the next holiday, etc. Little did I know we would talk for four hours.
It's funny how being physically broken down and exhausted also manifests itself in emotional terms as well.
A good, hard conversation that had been on her mind for some time, without any knowledge of my own. It turns out, that ever since the spring of 2013, when I came out, I've unintentionally cut key people out. Mm, maybe not so much completely out, but I've pushed them to a comfortable arms length away.
"Just so I have some space" I'm sure my subconscious said to my brain while I was peacefully asleep, which in itself is a rare occurrence.
My family has certainly received the worst of it.
See, when presented with stress I tend to clam up, and keep my mouth shut, but at the same time i dive headfirst into work or activities. I let my schedule get so crammed with "stuff" that I don't have time to have coffee with anyone, or let someone grab me by the shirt and say "TYLER. Calm down and take a breath!". It's a defense mechanism. It's not good, I know.
So, when my disastrously wonderful sister in law brought it to my attention that I'd been distant and not particularly forthcoming about how my life was actually going, it was a surprise to be sure. I came to realize how right she was. The spread out phone calls. The total inability to sleep a peaceful night, kept awake by the fact that I hadn't seen my family members in close to a year, and only once each(excluding Chris and Erin, who I hadn't seen at all) since I had that difficult heart-bearing conversation with each of them last fall.
(Also, let me be clear that the reasons for my inability to see my parents and brother and his wife is purely financial. If i'm not at work, i'm not making money. So, there's that.)
So, in a way this post is an apology. To everyone that I have cut off, or pushed to an arms' length away in the past year. As previously stated, I was completely unaware that I had done this. And that blindness is simply due to my schedule keeping me so busy that I don't have time to think. One thing about me is that I keep myself so busy that I don't even have time to think. I also tend to put up emotional walls to protect myself from getting hurt. Which is also me putting up guards so i can keep from getting emotionally invested in something...or anything for that matter.
I'm so thankful that I have friends that are more like family, and will call me out on my bullshit. Especially when I claim that I'm fine, and they're just like "No, you're not". Also, having housemates that will just let me be.
But, most importantly, just having friends that continually point me to Christ. Simply having my Jesus who draws me back to himself when I feel far off, and his children that can physically drag me out of my room is such a blessing.
My insomnia is back again, much to my chagrin. So, late nights are my thing once again. I find myself much too often sitting on my front porch late at night - two or three in the morning - smoking a cigarette, with these lofty aspirations of who I'll be someday. It sounds much more glamorous than it actually is.
"I'll gain 20 pounds of pure muscle, write a blog post twice a week, work incessantly and save up money to be able to buy my own computer, and a bike - maybe even a motorcycle! That will make it so much easier to get around without a car" I'll think.
"New York won't be that difficult, I'll have a fortune saved up by then" I'll say to myself wistfully. Meanwhile, i'm struggling to pick up enough shifts at work to pay my bills, then there's the trouble of actually getting to work. Riding with the roommates has worked great so far, but I'm just wondering how long until they get sick of me asking for rides.
It's thoughts like these that keep me awake, and cause me to toss and turn all while ruffling my sheets and blankets into small mountains and valleys that form over my legs and ribs. Swooping my hair like a bad hairstylist that knows exactly how to get the cowlick to stand straight up, but is simultaneously blind. When at last I am captured by that gentle, sweet embrace of sleep I am held like a lost child holds onto a balloon - absentmindedly, and ready to let go as soon as something more interesting comes along. It's frustrating to say the least. Especially when my insomnia gets worse the more stressed I get.
It's just so fun....
Also, THIS WEATHER.
It's so cold outside. I love walking, and really don't mind it - but it's a different story when it's 30something outside. That may be the standard among most people.
When it's excessively cold outside: stay inside.
Some sort of universal rule, i would think. Or at least one would hope so.
Well, dear reader
(if you are reading this)
I must bid you good day. I am off to lunch. I fully intend to write again soon.
And i'm well aware of how much I dislike change, and i'm sure by this time you - my dear reader - are as well.
(not that anyone actually reads this blog of mine)
It all started when, a bit more than a month ago, I shockingly had a free night. So I decided to catch up with my dear old bro. I don't see him or his perfectly wonderful, beautiful wife nearly enough. Case-in-point I haven't seen them since their wedding, which was in the summer of 2013. So, we caught each other up on our lives and joked as brothers do.
Wait, wait, let me back up some more.
Okay, so a good month and a half or two months ago, I was sick. Sick as a dog. Couldn't breathe out of my nose. Couldn't go to work. Basically depressed about being sick...because I was sick. So, it was this terrible cycle where i was sick because i was so tired, but i couldn't rest because i was sick. It was awful.
Anyway
My brother was gone from home for the weekend due to Air Force business (Sidenote: I am SO proud of my brother.) so, his lovely wife was alone for the weekend. I know Erin. I know she doesn't enjoy being alone.
And, on a random note, all my housemates were gone for the weekend. Objectively, were sort of in the same position. So I gave her a call only intending to catch up, laugh and tell her I loved and missed them so much, make plans for seeing each other at the next holiday, etc. Little did I know we would talk for four hours.
It's funny how being physically broken down and exhausted also manifests itself in emotional terms as well.
A good, hard conversation that had been on her mind for some time, without any knowledge of my own. It turns out, that ever since the spring of 2013, when I came out, I've unintentionally cut key people out. Mm, maybe not so much completely out, but I've pushed them to a comfortable arms length away.
"Just so I have some space" I'm sure my subconscious said to my brain while I was peacefully asleep, which in itself is a rare occurrence.
My family has certainly received the worst of it.
See, when presented with stress I tend to clam up, and keep my mouth shut, but at the same time i dive headfirst into work or activities. I let my schedule get so crammed with "stuff" that I don't have time to have coffee with anyone, or let someone grab me by the shirt and say "TYLER. Calm down and take a breath!". It's a defense mechanism. It's not good, I know.
So, when my disastrously wonderful sister in law brought it to my attention that I'd been distant and not particularly forthcoming about how my life was actually going, it was a surprise to be sure. I came to realize how right she was. The spread out phone calls. The total inability to sleep a peaceful night, kept awake by the fact that I hadn't seen my family members in close to a year, and only once each(excluding Chris and Erin, who I hadn't seen at all) since I had that difficult heart-bearing conversation with each of them last fall.
(Also, let me be clear that the reasons for my inability to see my parents and brother and his wife is purely financial. If i'm not at work, i'm not making money. So, there's that.)
So, in a way this post is an apology. To everyone that I have cut off, or pushed to an arms' length away in the past year. As previously stated, I was completely unaware that I had done this. And that blindness is simply due to my schedule keeping me so busy that I don't have time to think. One thing about me is that I keep myself so busy that I don't even have time to think. I also tend to put up emotional walls to protect myself from getting hurt. Which is also me putting up guards so i can keep from getting emotionally invested in something...or anything for that matter.
I'm so thankful that I have friends that are more like family, and will call me out on my bullshit. Especially when I claim that I'm fine, and they're just like "No, you're not". Also, having housemates that will just let me be.
But, most importantly, just having friends that continually point me to Christ. Simply having my Jesus who draws me back to himself when I feel far off, and his children that can physically drag me out of my room is such a blessing.
My insomnia is back again, much to my chagrin. So, late nights are my thing once again. I find myself much too often sitting on my front porch late at night - two or three in the morning - smoking a cigarette, with these lofty aspirations of who I'll be someday. It sounds much more glamorous than it actually is.
"I'll gain 20 pounds of pure muscle, write a blog post twice a week, work incessantly and save up money to be able to buy my own computer, and a bike - maybe even a motorcycle! That will make it so much easier to get around without a car" I'll think.
"New York won't be that difficult, I'll have a fortune saved up by then" I'll say to myself wistfully. Meanwhile, i'm struggling to pick up enough shifts at work to pay my bills, then there's the trouble of actually getting to work. Riding with the roommates has worked great so far, but I'm just wondering how long until they get sick of me asking for rides.
It's thoughts like these that keep me awake, and cause me to toss and turn all while ruffling my sheets and blankets into small mountains and valleys that form over my legs and ribs. Swooping my hair like a bad hairstylist that knows exactly how to get the cowlick to stand straight up, but is simultaneously blind. When at last I am captured by that gentle, sweet embrace of sleep I am held like a lost child holds onto a balloon - absentmindedly, and ready to let go as soon as something more interesting comes along. It's frustrating to say the least. Especially when my insomnia gets worse the more stressed I get.
It's just so fun....
Also, THIS WEATHER.
It's so cold outside. I love walking, and really don't mind it - but it's a different story when it's 30something outside. That may be the standard among most people.
When it's excessively cold outside: stay inside.
Some sort of universal rule, i would think. Or at least one would hope so.
Well, dear reader
(if you are reading this)
I must bid you good day. I am off to lunch. I fully intend to write again soon.
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