Running myself ragged
It's been a good bit since I've been on here.
My, what a change a few years can bring. God is still good.
"I was burned out and lost.
I was burned out and lost
And the nighttime was the worst
It shows you all the things you've lost"
Oh, the Head and the Heart. You just get me. Truth is breathed in the lines of this song. 10,000 Weight in Gold. Nights are the worst. Those late night moments where you realize how peaceful the darkness can be. But with the peace comes the realization of loneliness. The most chilling line of the song mentioned above is "but there's nobody here now" and that's not comforting. Truly realizing how alone you are is a scary and jarring concept. That got deep. Yikes
Two nights ago I couldn't/didn't want to fall asleep. So, of course I stayed up until 3am, drank hot tea outside in the cool quiet of the night, and had a very late night conversation full of personal problems, regrets and promising to do better but also be better. Thankful for dear friends that pull me up when I'm too tired to do it on my own. Lifelong friends do that, and I'm so thankful.
Life is busy. Working keeps me busy and my side projects are exciting. However they seem to preoccupy more of my thoughts than actual time. To my detriment. Journaling keeps me sane. At least, as sane as I consider myself. Not that it's a great deal. I have never denied that i'm not absolutely crazy, but to quote one of my favorite books "all the best people are".
Heartache, and heartbreak are two friends of mine. Not that I have a reason for either. I am surrounded by people that are always there. But it's a different beast when you learn things about yourself of which you aren't a huge fan. Those late nights filled with insomnia and sleepless tossing tend to thrust me into deep reflection, and of course, what I could have done differently. I could have done this instead, or should have said this instead of what I actually said. Why did I have to fall asleep instead of finishing that conversation. Why on EARTH did I not hold my tongue. But that's not the right attitude. No matter how cliche it is, you can't change whats been done. You can learn from it, and insure that it doesn't happen the same way. Otherwise, you haven't learned anything. Or, maybe you did. But choosing to ignore the past will only manifest itself in the future. And, once again, I have started babbling. My apologies. It's not like anyone actually reads these posts, apart from myself.
Next year I am moving to New York City. Excitement and terror are equally balanced in my thoughts. If I'm going to do this, I may as well do it now while i'm young. There are SO many possibilities for growth and expansion of my current skills and passions. Lord, grow me in knowledge, and finely tune my current skills and precision. However that manifests itself.
Diets are no fun. I love cheese too much to fully cut it out. I simply can't bring myself to give it up. The same goes with bread, and beer. Butter, though. Oh, my dear sweet creamy substance. How can i live without you? You make sauces glossy and rich. If I clarify you, you can't be too bad for me...right?
Time to hit the gym again. I think it's an addiction. But if running is a drug, I think I use it until I'm ragged. Gives a whole new meaning to the term 'running yourself ragged'. At least it's better than doing something else. Anything else. Except cooking. But that's just going to manifest itself in my waist. Thus, the gym. What's the point of not enjoying your food? I cook so I can enjoy fully, thus the gym. It's circular reasoning, but hey that's okay. I gym so I can eat, I eat therefore I gym.
And on that note, I'm going to run off that brownie I ate last night. At least it was gluten free.
My, what a change a few years can bring. God is still good.
"I was burned out and lost.
I was burned out and lost
And the nighttime was the worst
It shows you all the things you've lost"
Oh, the Head and the Heart. You just get me. Truth is breathed in the lines of this song. 10,000 Weight in Gold. Nights are the worst. Those late night moments where you realize how peaceful the darkness can be. But with the peace comes the realization of loneliness. The most chilling line of the song mentioned above is "but there's nobody here now" and that's not comforting. Truly realizing how alone you are is a scary and jarring concept. That got deep. Yikes
Two nights ago I couldn't/didn't want to fall asleep. So, of course I stayed up until 3am, drank hot tea outside in the cool quiet of the night, and had a very late night conversation full of personal problems, regrets and promising to do better but also be better. Thankful for dear friends that pull me up when I'm too tired to do it on my own. Lifelong friends do that, and I'm so thankful.
Life is busy. Working keeps me busy and my side projects are exciting. However they seem to preoccupy more of my thoughts than actual time. To my detriment. Journaling keeps me sane. At least, as sane as I consider myself. Not that it's a great deal. I have never denied that i'm not absolutely crazy, but to quote one of my favorite books "all the best people are".
Heartache, and heartbreak are two friends of mine. Not that I have a reason for either. I am surrounded by people that are always there. But it's a different beast when you learn things about yourself of which you aren't a huge fan. Those late nights filled with insomnia and sleepless tossing tend to thrust me into deep reflection, and of course, what I could have done differently. I could have done this instead, or should have said this instead of what I actually said. Why did I have to fall asleep instead of finishing that conversation. Why on EARTH did I not hold my tongue. But that's not the right attitude. No matter how cliche it is, you can't change whats been done. You can learn from it, and insure that it doesn't happen the same way. Otherwise, you haven't learned anything. Or, maybe you did. But choosing to ignore the past will only manifest itself in the future. And, once again, I have started babbling. My apologies. It's not like anyone actually reads these posts, apart from myself.
Next year I am moving to New York City. Excitement and terror are equally balanced in my thoughts. If I'm going to do this, I may as well do it now while i'm young. There are SO many possibilities for growth and expansion of my current skills and passions. Lord, grow me in knowledge, and finely tune my current skills and precision. However that manifests itself.
Diets are no fun. I love cheese too much to fully cut it out. I simply can't bring myself to give it up. The same goes with bread, and beer. Butter, though. Oh, my dear sweet creamy substance. How can i live without you? You make sauces glossy and rich. If I clarify you, you can't be too bad for me...right?
Time to hit the gym again. I think it's an addiction. But if running is a drug, I think I use it until I'm ragged. Gives a whole new meaning to the term 'running yourself ragged'. At least it's better than doing something else. Anything else. Except cooking. But that's just going to manifest itself in my waist. Thus, the gym. What's the point of not enjoying your food? I cook so I can enjoy fully, thus the gym. It's circular reasoning, but hey that's okay. I gym so I can eat, I eat therefore I gym.
And on that note, I'm going to run off that brownie I ate last night. At least it was gluten free.
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