I know, I know...

I know I literally wrote the previous post a few hours ago. But I got this strange urge to write. As in actually write. Like pen and paper. Or even better; ink, quill and parchment. Too bad I have no access to ink, quills, or parchment [other then parchment paper...like the kind you bake with.. not exactly the same thing]. I'm tired. Physically, emotionally. The whole nine yards. I have wanted for a couple of days to just go somewhere new. Somewhere I don't know anyone, and just start over. Or somewhere I can just catch up with some old friends. Boston would be amazing. Just to let myself loose in the city without any money, and just walk around. I feel like I've lost myself in myself. If that makes much sense. I think i've lost myself because I'm focusing on too much of one aspect of myself. I tend to hide my feelings and put on a happy face when, in reality, i'm not super happy all the time. Instead, when I'm miserable, I don't want to burden anyone with my troubles. Not that i'm depressed/miserable all the time. It's a rare occasion when I am. So. I've decided when that happens I am going to be transparent. If I'm thoughtful i'll go off and think about things. Instead of pretending to be happy, i'm going to be...well, me. Everyone needs to have some time to themselves just to think. So, when that happens, sure. Seek me out. See whats wrong. Or don't. It really doesn't matter to me. You will probably be able to tell which of those options I prefer by the look on my face. I'm in one of those moods now. It seems like the majority of the time I'm in one of those moods I tend to write. I think of writing as a coping mechanism. It's nice to be off by yourself when those moods strike. I've been in a thoughtful and/or somber mood all day. The worst thing about those moods is that you have no idea what you want to do. But you know you want to do SOMETHING! I just needed to get away. I just started driving. I ended up at my old house in Cape Royal. Then I proceeded to drive to the back of the community where there aren't any houses, get out of the car, sit in the grass and watch the impending thunderstorm. It was a doozy. When it started raining where I was, I got back in my car [MY car. i like saying that], and watched for another minute. Decided to get some coffee, and write; on paper of course. Then I realized I didn't have any writable paper with me. I did have my laptop, however. Starbucks was relatively close. I had a starbucks card. For all intents and purposes it was free coffee. And they had Wi-Fi. That's a plus. I had all of the instruments of writing except the actual utensils of writing...hmm. Oh well. No biggie. So I sat down, drank some coffee and began to write. And here I am. [Sidenote: Why is it so cold in this Starbucks? Maybe it's just the lingering raindrops all over me, but i'm definitely chilled a bit.] I can't wait for the the fall to come. I'm so ready to go back to covenant, but also so not ready. the impending semester is intimidating, but the idea of it is exciting. every time i think about it i get nervous and excited. back with so many people that i love. so many things to do differently. so many. the normal ebb and flow of things and how they change hit me last night. change is great and all, but it's also nice to have some consistency. i like consistency. i like things that are consistent. But there aren't alot of things that are. How relieving it is to know that God is consistent. He's really the only thing. What a relief. I love that He is. People really aren't. Because we're human. Is it our nature to be inconsistent? Or is it just a reminder that our Savior is really the only one that we can fully count on? This 'fall of mankind' is really annoying. Can we all just live in the garden of eden again or something? that would fix a ton of my problems. actually, it would fix all of them. Let's do that, shall we. Who's with me?